We’ve posted some pretty classic stories over the years here on That NBA Lottery Pick but this one starring former NBA player Gilbert Arenas might take the cake for the most interesting.
Complex’s style writer Nick Grant recently posted a story from the year of 2004 about the time that he got play in a pro-am game on the Georgetown campus in Washington D.C. (Arenas was in his first season with the Wizards) and dunked on Gilbert Arenas before pooping himself after the poster dunk:
We’re neck and neck and I’m not letting any of this go. I start trying, like, really hard. I want him to pay. By the second half, it’s a close game and I’m finally warmed up with (most of) the booze out of my system. Then it happens: I’m cutting down the left flank, someone throws a pass to our center at the foul line, who then feeds me a smooth bounce pass. I take two steps—Agent Zero with me stride for stride—and take off with my left hand gripping the ball, cock back, and…BOOM SHAKALAKA.
What kind of facial is my dunk on Gilbert Arenas? Practically a bukkake. His body slams into mine, with his arm swinging desperately to try and block my attempt. He begins on my right side, which soon becomes my front as I turn my body in the air to sh*t on his existence. (He may have tried to kiss me midair, I’m not sure). The rim is shaking profusely. I honestly don’t remember if Gilbert falls or not, but he had to have at least stumbled when he lands because we bump together hard (pause). No taunting him or staring him down directly, though. My reaction is more towards the crowd since I land facing them straight on. Gilbert goes to line up for my free throw, puts his hands on his knees, and looks down for about 10 seconds as everyone goes nuts. Then someone comes and takes him out of the game.
Now that story would already be legendary but that’s not the end of it:
People are running out of the gym with their cell phones and screaming. I think my dad sheds actual tears of joy. My teammates are jumping on me and I let out a huge roar. Then, a second “it happens”: I shart. Bad. Like, if I’m not wearing Spandex, it would be running down my leg to combine the greatest and most horrifying moment of my life in the span of seconds. The crowd is losing their collective sh*t and I literally almost lose mine.
What is happening? Looking back, it must’ve been the booze trying to make a run for it in that crazy adrenaline rush. I’m embarassed, but only for myself because no one else knows. I think Gilbert is way more embarassed. He goes and sits on the bench for a couple of minutes to take in what has just happened while people in the stands are still taunting. I’m riding high, even with a little Hershey’s Kiss residing in my pants.
Great story….great story…
Gilbert Arenas image courtesy of Getty Images